Difficult people are part of life. Just as you will encounter people who are difficult in your family or friendship groups, you will also encounter them at work. In our leadership development work at AMA Victoria, the topic of difficult people continues to be one of the most appreciated areas of our programs. In fact, working with a difficult person is often what brings people to coaching and leadership education in the first place.
What we see year upon year is the relief that comes from being able to talk about this issue, along with the reassurance that it is a ‘thing’ and that it is “not just me” facing this challenge. The purpose of this series is to explore this topic and build greater resilience when working with difficult people, whether that means working alongside them, having them as your boss, or leading them as part of your team.
The aim of this first article is to start with the first piece of the puzzle:
How do you know you are experiencing a colleague as a difficult person, and how can you assess and diagnose this to better support yourself?
Making an informed and considered ‘call’ that a colleague is, in your view, a difficult person can be helpful. It can create perspective and some distance in the professional relationship, which in turn can enable a more effective working relationship. Often, this shift is marked by a change in how the situation feels. What may have started as feeling overwhelmed, distressed, perhaps gaslit or manipulated, begins to feel more manageable, less burdensome, and less intrusive into your non-work time.
In the next article (part 2), we will look at how to approach working with them in ways that are healthier and more sustainable for you. In part three, we will go further, focusing on steps for having difficult conversations and navigating other topics and issues that arise in your work with them.
Because the other unfortunate truth, in addition to the fact that difficult people exist in all walks of life, is that in most cases this person is not going to change. Our focus therefore needs to be on ourselves and what we can do to remain healthy and effective at work alongside them, rather than expending valuable time and energy trying to ‘fix’ or change them.
So, here goes.
Step 1: Identifying or diagnosing a difficult person at work
First, a caveat. The term ‘difficult person’, while widely used in leadership and management literature and one we find helpful in education and coaching, is not a formal label or diagnostic category. (By contrast, terms such as narcissism, often associated with difficult behaviour, do have a DSM definition.)
We use the term lightly and deliberately. Its purpose is not to label or pathologise, but to give you clarity and confidence to acknowledge that someone presents a very different situation for you at work compared to most others in your experience. Specifically, it refers to a working relationship that has become difficult and distressing to sustain as it currently stands.
Used in this way, the term is helpful. It allows you to set this person, and the relationship, apart as noticeably and meaningfully different from your otherwise functional and effective working relationships, and to begin building ways of working alongside them that are as healthy and effective as possible.
How do we do this?
How do we know that we face a very particular challenge, and not just a colleague who we dislike, disagree with, are completely different from?
Here are some guides:
This person weighs on your mind an excessive amount of the time (both during and outside work hours)
This is something we see frequently in our coaching work. A client will talk about this person repeatedly and at length. Over time, it becomes clear that this individual is taking up a disproportionately large amount of mental and emotional space compared with other colleagues.
This thinking is not neutral. It is typically negative and distressing and often extends well beyond work hours. You may find yourself talking about them when you get home, thinking about how to manage them over the weekend, or feeling stressed about your next interaction with them long before it occurs.
Thinking about and interacting with this person brings an unhealthy level of emotional engagement and distress
The level of emotional engagement and distress associated with this person would not normally seem justified given the nature of the work or the working relationship. Preparing work for them, or interacting with them, can trigger a heightened or even extreme emotional response.
For example, receiving an email from them, seeing a missed call, or being asked to attend a meeting can create significant stress and, in some cases, fear.
You talk about them a lot
Compared with other colleagues, this person takes up a disproportionate amount of your attention and energy. This is often most noticeable outside work. You may find yourself talking about them repeatedly to a spouse, partner, or close friend, to the point where they are on first-name terms.
This can be a useful piece of data. When someone close to you responds with comments such as, “Are you really talking about that person again?” or “I’m honestly tired of hearing about them, can we talk about something else?”, it is a signal that this work relationship is not healthy and that the toll it is taking is spilling too far into your personal life.
You invest excessive cognitive and emotional energy in preparing for contact
This often shows up as a significant amount of mental and emotional effort spent preparing for interactions with this person. It can include worry, stress, over-preparation, drafting and re-drafting emails, or engaging in ‘busy work’ ahead of a shift, meeting, or conversation.
Underlying this is often a mix of anxiety and self-doubt, including repeatedly questioning whether you have done enough, prepared correctly, or handled things in the right way.
Feelings of worry, fear, or dread arise when contact is made or planned
When contact with this person is anticipated or occurs, such as working the same shift or attending a meeting together, strong emotional responses may arise. These can include persistent worry, fear, or a sense of dread.
Note: It is important to distinguish this from bullying or harassment, which are unlawful and harmful behaviours and require different responses, actions, and protections.
But how do we know this is a ‘difficult person’ and not a ‘me issue’?
This is an important question. Obviously, there will always be people we work with who we are different from, who we don’t like, who don’t work in a way that we like or approve of. Therefore, an important part of this identification process is using our own self-awareness and emotional intelligence to check on the things we bring to the situation and the relationship, and the things that the other person is bringing.
Here are some of the skills we can use:
Self-awareness:
Reflect on your own temperament, personality, and preferences.
Ask what am I like?
What are the values, qualities, and traits I have that would mean I would find this person difficult, frustrating and hard to work with?
How does this compare to how I feel working with others? Especially others who I am quite different from or don’t like?
Other awareness and emotional intelligence:
Turn this reflection and observation on the other person.
What are they like?
What is their temperament, personality, values, etc?
How might these things explain their style and behaviour?
Observation and emotional literacy:
Reflecting on others also uses our skills of observation and emotional literacy.
See if you can observe how this person works with other people.
Do you see similar or different patterns?
Use your strong professional relationships to check your observations
Our professional relationships provide an important source of support at work.
One of the things we work on in leadership development is reflecting on who are your trusted colleagues at work. These are people who you can ask for advice and feedback.
If you feel safe talking to a trusted colleague, you could share an experience you have had with the difficult person or ask your colleague about their experience working with them.
Having another’s person’s perspective can provide helpful data.
In conclusion
Realising and deciding that you are working with a very difficult person can bring a sense of relief, alongside feelings of frustration or anger.
We often wish there were a neat solution, a simple ‘recipe’ or set of tactics that would remove difficult people, undo the harm they cause, and recover the time and energy they consume. Unfortunately, there isn’t.
What we can do, however, is develop a strong capability for dealing with difficult people and minimising their impact on our work and wellbeing.
In the next article, we will explore practical strategies for doing exactly that.
To explore the full collection of our AMA Victoria Leadership Insights. You can also learn more about our professional development offerings in Leadership:
Leadership Education for Senior Doctors
Creating Psychological Safety in your Team
Leadership Coaching for Doctors
Dr Anna Clark (PhD) delivers AMA Victoria’s Leadership education and Leadership coaching programs. If you would like to find out more about our leadership development offerings, schedule a discovery call or email [email protected].