Part 1 of this series on working with difficult people examined the importance of identifying when someone in your workplace is, in your view, a difficult person. Making an informed and considered call can be helpful. It allows you to stop second guessing yourself and start thinking more strategically about how you will work with them. In Part 2, we turn to the practical work of setting and holding boundaries so you can create a more effective way of interacting with this person at work.
Below are three general steps that can help. These focus on skills and behaviours that limit and contain, at least to some extent, the negative impact of a difficult colleague. They are practical strategies to manage the distress and emotional overload that can arise in these interactions.
The aim is to support you to engage in a safe and highly professional manner where conversations stay focused on the work and the work relates directly to your role and responsibilities.
These steps are small and realistic. They centre on self-awareness, self-talk and clearly communicating boundaries around contact, meetings, phone calls and email. Here we go.
1. Step back and give yourself a break.
One of the first things you can do once you have identified someone as a very difficult person at work is acknowledge that interaction with this person causes you disproportionate stress and overwhelm. Naming this matters. It gives you permission to create a circuit breaker and take a short break before interacting with them again, if possible two to three days.
This step includes practising self-compassion for the distress you are experiencing and creating practical space to decompress and re energise for work. It is not avoidance. It is deliberate recovery.
A break might mean pushing a meeting back by a couple of days, taking a few days of leave if feasible, reorganising your workload or asking a colleague to cover a specific interaction. The purpose is simple. Create breathing space so you can reset and then return with clearer boundaries and a more contained approach to working with this person.
2. Contain and constrain the amount of contact time as much as possible.
This step again addresses the stress and overwhelm that interaction with this person creates. The aim is to reduce contact as much as is reasonable and professionally appropriate.
In practical terms, this might mean ensuring meetings are limited in number, scheduled rather than ad hoc and kept to a clear time frame. It means keeping calls, messages and emails brief and purposeful. Boundaries help ensure you are not always available to the difficult person and that your broader role remains appropriately focused elsewhere.
This reduction in contact must remain professional. You still need to stay in role and meet your responsibilities. The focus is on what interaction is required, when it occurs and for how long, so that you can do your work effectively and without unnecessary disruption.
Many people we have worked with in leadership education and coaching programs describe difficult colleagues as erratic. They call meetings at short notice, change plans frequently or shift expectations late in the process. The impact is uncertainty, anxiety and disruption to your day or week. The issue here is not whether the behaviour is intentional or unprofessional. The issue is that it makes setting and holding boundaries harder for those around them. See the example below for what enacting Step 2 can look like.
3. Set boundaries around interaction and hold them.
Boundaries refer to the limits you identify as necessary to remain healthy and sustainable in your role. They may relate to time, the types of tasks you take on, how and when you respond to emails or messages, and how you engage socially with colleagues or on social media.
Time boundaries can include how long you stay back after a shift, whether you attend meetings on your day off and whether you answer phone calls outside working hours, particularly late at night or on weekends.
Being clear about your boundaries helps structure and contain interactions with a difficult person, especially if that person has very few boundaries around their own work hours. These are boundaries you set for yourself, and it is your responsibility to hold them. If a colleague calls you on a Sunday and you have decided not to take work calls on weekends, it is up to you not to answer. It is not helpful to answer and then feel resentful that your boundary has been crossed.
Holding boundaries is hard work. Difficult people can make it harder. The purpose of this step is to support you to define a small number of professional boundaries and back yourself to hold them. See the example below for what Step Three can look like in practice.
An example to illustrate how the three steps can work in practice:
Scenario
Your difficult person calls your mobile on Saturday morning and leaves a message saying something urgent has come up about a project. They request a meeting in their office first thing Monday.
Let’s walk through the three steps.
Step back and give yourself a break
Notice your immediate response to the call and message. Pay attention to any stress reaction, cognitive load, rapid problem solving or catastrophising. Practise some self compassion. For example, “This feels hard” or “It is the weekend and I am not at work.”
Now recall your relevant boundaries. Consider your professional role, your time boundaries and the concrete details in the message. Your self talk might sound like this: It is Saturday morning and I am not at work. I have the weekend off. I am going to my daughter’s football game and then shopping for dinner. Sunday is for family time and exercise. The message refers to Monday. I will engage with this on Monday when I am back in role.
The purpose here is to reduce escalation and return yourself to the present moment.
Reduce and constrain contact time
Next, consider how to respond in a way that respects your boundaries and begins to contain the interaction. You may choose to reply briefly by text or email:
Thank you for your message. I will see you on Monday. I will be available after the Department meeting at 7.45 am.
The tone is polite and respectful. You acknowledge the message and confirm you will engage when you are at work. You do not enter into discussion over the weekend. Boundary holding can feel uncomfortable and may frustrate a difficult person. Courtesy and clarity help contain this.
It can also help to let a partner or trusted friend know what has happened and ask them to support you in maintaining your boundaries.
Decide on boundaries going forward
Having decided not to engage until Monday, think ahead. What will this look like in practice? Where will you meet? At what time? For how long? What will help you end the meeting?
You are likely to experience the interaction as stressful, so plan protective structures in advance. For example, you may attend the usual department meeting at 7.30 am and only be available afterwards. You may choose to meet in a more open or neutral space rather than in their office. You may decide you have a maximum of 15 to 30 minutes and set an alarm on your phone or arrange for a colleague to call you at a set time to provide a clear exit.
When you meet, remain professional, polite and focused. Keep the conversation anchored to the work and your responsibilities. Ask concrete questions about what needs to be done and by when. Take notes so there is a record.
With difficult people, goals and expectations can shift quickly. Your role is not to be pulled into the chaos or uncertainty. Focus on small, defined pieces of work that align with your role and core responsibilities. This helps reduce wasted effort and protects your time and energy.
In Part 3 of this series, we will look at strategies and techniques for engaging in difficult conversations with a difficult person. The point here is that the usual rules for difficult conversations may need to be checked and reassessed for the context of your difficult person. Stay tuned!
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Dr Anna Clark (PhD) delivers AMA Victoria’s Leadership education and Leadership coaching programs. If you would like to find out more about our leadership development offerings, schedule a discovery call or email [email protected].